It’s nearly 3 months of lockdown due to the global pandemic of Covid-19 and we’re already in June, entering the “green zone.” Spring has merged into summer but it hasn’t hit me yet like it usually does.

Our world is burning up. Covid has taken a backseat and riots, protesting around the brutal death of George Floyd have taken a front seat. There are days when I wake up still thinking the “nightmare” is over. Today I practically left my house on my bike without a mask on the way to the store. I had to bike back home to make sure I had a mask. You’d think by now I should know these things. But my heart doesn’t want to.

You read of people baking bread, taking up a new hobby, learning a new language. Fact is, I haven’t done any of those things. There’s a lot more emphasis these days on learning, but I’m still struggling in that department: here’s 11 additional things I still haven’t learned.

1.I haven’t yet learned the fine art of surrendering. Every week I check Carnegie library homepage hoping that I can once again, feel at home like a patron. The same goes for the JCC. These were outlets that gave me a structure to my day. It’s up to me to create structure. I must have seen more deer, trees, and butterflies than people.

2. I still haven’t learned how to set my intention. Every day I tell myself to not check Facebook, sometimes not a first thing in the morning so I can still be sleepy, goofy in the morning without thinking “too smart.” But there’s always the feeling I might be missing out. But truthfully, there’s nothing to miss out these days. It’s hard to cut through the negative to fight a flicker of positive.

3. I haven’t yet created a will. Yes, there are online resources. No, there is no emergency. But I don’t want courts to take over whatever estate will be leftover by then. Death everywhere is prevalent. I still write, “make a will,” on my to-do list, but I don’t. I wonder what’s holding me back.

4. I haven’t yet accepted my mortality or that of my spouse for some reason. Maybe I’m living in a bubble or I just want to hold tight unto coolish spring weather because we entering the sauna season. I’ve requested from hubby to eat more healthy foods or reduce the screen time just to make sure I’m doing everything in my power to continue making good decisions. Death is extant in so many forms – from Covid to police brutality.

5. I haven’t learned to stop checking Facebook which unfortunately has become a breeding ground, a gladiator arena for hate. Sometimes I am almost afraid to even speak my truth for fear I might be called out. I’ve been fighting an overpowering urge to delete my account.

6. I haven’t yet learned how to breathe deeply. There are so many scary things happening right now in the world that I don’t understand. So much pain that causes me to suck in my breath shallowly. I have to literally force myself to engage with my brain. “Now…” I can hear it saying, “concentrate on your breathing. Slowly, inhale…exhale.”

7. I haven’t yet learned how to bake bread. Okay, that’s a lie. I know how to bake challah which is helping to slow down time. But I haven’t joined the bread-making movement that is taking over the rest of the world. That will hopefully slow down the rest of the world because frankly, we as a human race, can behave much better to each other.

8. I haven’t yet figured out how to work from home without ignoring my kids and staying patient. Wow, that was a mouthful. I could go on and on with this, but it’s criminal to see the younger one propped up in front of a computer and expect her to learn. She has so much energy. Half of the time, I’m in survival mode. The other half, I’m in survival mode. I mean.. what else can I do? I even wrote an essay on resilience, but now I feel like I’m cheating.

9. I haven’t learned how to drink enough water. I have post-it-notes reminding me but I’ve been guilty of forgetting.

10. I haven’t learned how to deal with uncertainty. You’d think by now I’d been proficient in this “here we go again” business. But truth is, planners are my saving graces. They afford much-needed structure. Monday – did I say, “hair salon?”

11. I haven’t been able to transition to the “green zone” because I’m still stuck in the red. It’s as if I’ve lost my humanity. I forgot what it means to feel human. Anyone else feeling this way? The words, “abundance of caution” have replaced my needs for a hug, a kind word, a peaceful connection. The world seems to be flocking to sandy beaches and I’m still sequestered in my zip-code. It feels like I’m trapped in my emotional prison.

 

What about you? What have you learned or didn’t learn? Can you relate?